Until
my late teens, I may or may not have believed in God, but I never
questioned his existence. Like most of the other growing children around
me, I would fold hands in front of God and ask for various things from
him. The list would have marks, forgiveness(for breaking things around),
super-power(to fight with my 'enemies'), games, holidays and the list
would never end.
It
was only when my mother underwent a critical operation that I had
understood what faith really meant. I had a 'deal' with God - if all
went well, I would pray to him everyday. All went well! Since
then, I have spent not much but about 5 minutes everyday with him.
Now I was a believer. Firm believer.
Time
passed by, I adopted a policy. Everyday I would ask for 2 things: one
for me and one for anyone in need. As one would expect, I always had too
many things to ask for myself. However, I made sure I asked something
for others - friends & family. I would pray to help a friend through
his hard times. I would pray for helping a friend down with fever. Of
course, I wouldn't share what all I asked for myself :-)
Personally, I started believing that he listens to me all the time. A supernatural power!
In
the years that followed, I faced ups and downs in both personal and
professional life. Some of these 'downs' were caused by my acquired
'supernatural power'. I had become very laid back, relying on the 5
minute praying session with God.
Thank God, better sense prevailed soon and life seemed to be better. There was a
direction now.
Recently,
my uncle was diagnosed with Cancer. We were told he had just a couple
of months to live. This was it. I decided to strike another deal with
God - "Either my uncle survives for a few more years or its over between
you and me."
This
time I was desperate in getting my prayer answered. Everyone was. I
hadn't seen so many kinds of Puja happening in our house in such a short
span of time. There was Shiv. There was Shyam. There was Rani Sati
Dadi. And there were a lot many more.
But in the end, there was just a DEAD BODY.
End of faith?
I
do not know. It's been over a month that my chacha passed away. It's
been over a month that I have not spent those 5 minutes with God. I just
acknowledge him with folded hands at times. That's it. As far as my
family is concerned - the level of devotion and faith in God may have
taken a blow for now but it will surely catch up with time.
For me - I am back to where I was as a child.
Maybe
God exists and he certainly does. He decides every event that is about
to happen with each one of us. He has decided that you would blink
unconsciously now. And once again, now. He could be God. He could be a
supernatural power. Possibly, it may not be anyone, but just FAITH
itself.
But I do not question his existence.
AND I DO NOT BEG FOR ANYTHING ANYMORE.
Have faith.
